


Two Jokers and One Ferret

by MozartKing



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 19:36:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19448167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MozartKing/pseuds/MozartKing





	Two Jokers and One Ferret

Hawkeye stretched and cracked his knuckles, "everytime I hear you making that sound with your fingers, it makes me want to shove them in the freezer" said Trapper, rubbing his eyes "I'd love to Trap, but my fingers keep calling me" 

Hawkeye got gin, "like mother used to make" said Trapper, "which one was it? when you were in Boston or New York?" they heard Spearchucker move his face in his pillow "maybe we could shave off Spearchucker's afro and glue it to Frank's face to get a laugh?"   
Hawkeye shook his head, "nay Trap, Spearchuker would throw us like a football" "attention, incoming wounded, get your skirts off and get your trumpets it's party time!" 

When the wounded came in, everyone heard Frank complain about not getting tools "hey Frank, why don't you lay off!" said Trapper

"keep your business to your damn self, CLAMP" said an angry Frank, "do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" "we know what else he kisses, SPONGE" 

a nurse gave Hawkeye one and he winked "maybe after this, we could go in my tent and study?" Margaret glared, "you are the most perverted PIERCE!" said a tired Margaret, "thought Trap was the perverted one?" said Hawkeye,"both of you are!" yelled Margaret. 

Hawkeye and Trapper went back in the SWAMP, "just a minute you two, what you did in there was the most unprofessional I have ever worked with!"   
Hawkeye looked at Trapper, "say is that the time, hope you got enough time to play with Hot Lips," "now see here Mcintyre!"   
They heard Radar come in, "hey shortstop" Radar glared at Hawkeye, "huh sir, a message came in from the general, saying it's for Major Burns" "what's it say Frank?" asked Trapper with gin hand, "HMM, it says and by yours truly that I have been noted that, WAIT A MINUTE, I DIDN'T"T COMMIT THIS!" he looked at Hawkeye and Trapper with Radar scooting out the door, "you SNEAKS!" 

Frank began to chase Hawkeye and Trapper spilling gin and ran in the Mess Tent, with some lifting trays not surprised "I'll kill you little runts!"   
Trapper went behind Hawkeye, who went behind Igor with him lifting the food tray trying to guard from Frank swinging his fists, "ah come on Frank, it was just a little joke, no hard feelings!" said Hawkeye, "I'd take that as a no then!" said Trapper trying to use Hawkeye as a shield.

The nurses and doctors got Frank off, "I'm going to kill those two!" Margaret looked "guess she got a letter too!" said one of the nurses, "Margaret, I got the same!" she leaped and got held by nurses "what the hell's going on in here!?" said Blake with his hands on his hips, "these two made a mockery of us!" said Margaret "is this true?" asked Henry, "well Henry, it all started when" "I don't want to hear that tell me if you both pulled another stunt," Trapper and Hawkeye nodded, "those!" said Margaret "now wait, RADAR!" "right here sir" "show me the letters"   
Radar grabbed the letters and Blake began reading them.

Dear Major Margaret Houlihan:

We wish to inform you that it has come to our intentions that you and your assistant Major Frank Burns have been involved in some unnecessary surgical procedures that is against our protocols. We will have you and Major Frank Burns under supervision to see if the claims are true.   
Sincerely General Davidson

Everyone looked at them. "Now guys, pranks are one thing, but this is above the line," Trapper grabbed Hawkeye from doing anything. "Look Henry, Frank kept taunting and raising hellfire" said Trapper, "Frank did say some shit" Blake glared at Radar, "we all know Frank and Margaret can be rude, but we have to deal with it" said Blake putting a finger up "HERE THEY COME, CHOPPERS!" said Radar, "since everyone is done with breakfast get up and head to the tents!" Blake stopped Trapper and Hawkeye, "you two, take a breather and when done I'll forget about it" he stopped at the door "what am I going to do with you guys, giving me headaches to a point of bursting" when Blake left Trapper let Hawkeye go, "Hawke, you alright?" asked Trapper, "can't wait to nail Frank's tongue to the floor and Hot Lips' hair to the desk." 

They got to the SWAMP and Ho-Jon got the gins, "Hawkeye, you okay?" asked Ho-Jon, "no, Ho-Jon this is for your family" he thanked Hawkeye and left, "that kid needs a better job" said Trapper "Trap?" "yeah Hawke?" "why are you taking my gin?"   
Trapper shrugged, "doesn't matter, I rather drink in Germany where the beer tastes sweet" Trapper patted his knee, "I know Hawke, but after having a few, the time for Igor's food is a foot." 

They got to the Mess Tent and sat down, "hey boys, did you hear?" said Radar sitting down, "that you finally reached your growth spurt?" asked Hawkeye, "we might get a peace agreement with Korea"   
Hawkeye spit his food, "I think the kid might be above high altitude" said Klinger "come on Radar, even if that were true, what makes you think they'll keep that promise?" said Hawkeye, "Hawkeye’s right Radar, even if Sparky says, doesn't mean it's true enough," said Blake putting a hand on Radar's shoulder, "maybe next time they'll send you the Superman comic to make you feel better?" 

When night came, the cold got in the SWAMP quickly and Trapper heard shivering, "you alright  
Hawke?" "yes Trap, I'm enjoying the cold on my teeth and balls"   
Trapper lifted him up bridal style, "are we headed to the honeymoon early Trap?" He put him in Frank's bed, and scooted "hope Frank cleaned these because if he didn't I'm showering my bones" Trapper rubbed Hawkeye's shoulders, "glad Spearchucker is playing poker and Frank is playing Anatomy in Hot Lips' tent, cause this makes us look queer" said Hawkeye, "damn right, you owe me for warming you up" "didn't ask, but, thanks Trap."   
Trapper ruffled Hawkeye's hair, "god you're more gorgeous than my wife," he shook his head, 'what the hell, I ain't a queer,’ "Trap?" "yeah Hawke?" he ruffled his hair "do you ever think of other sexes than just females?" "what you on about Hawke?"   
he looked, "I mean, ever consider a man here and someone close you know that might not be a nurse, but a doctor?" 

They looked at each other, without being slow they hooked on each other, Hawkeye's arms around Trapper's back and Trapper holding him kissing.   
Frank got back, "must of been playing nurses mate, oh well," he got his bible and sat in the chair, but saw movement "who's in my bed?" he pulled the covers off and saw Hawkeye and Trapper on each other with no clothes,"hi ya Frank" 

Frank started yelling, "hey Frank, what the hell you" Spearchucker looked "hope you  
were playing cards down there'' “if it were it would make the game faster"   
Frank stood, "you two did this in my bed, MY BED!" yelled Frank, "and looks like they made more on the corner of their toes" Spearchucker pointed, "this is against all military standard, I'm reporting you two fairies to the MPS!" Frank left the SWAMP, both looked at Spearchucker who went out.   
"Hello, get me to General" Spearchucker grabbed Frank's arm, "Jones, this is against military and a man of my rank, my hand that is an order" "don't know, I ain't no snitch Frank" said Spearchucker, they looked, "w..what are you three going to do?" they smiled "oh you'll see." 

They got to the tent, "what you think gents, scalping to the head?" asked Trapper "we could knock him out and take his clothes off, then he can wake up in the nurses tents" said Spearchucker, "so Frank, any last words?" Frank swallowed "what are you three going to do?" 

Next morning, Frank heard noises and opened one eye to see doctors and nurses eyeing and taking photos, he looked down to see his body was covered with feathers and a clown hat on his head.   
Back at the SWAMP, Hawkeye and Trapper heard howling "guess we got the word out old Trapper of mine?" said Hawkeye, "yes we did, we got 5 hours to spare" they went in the bed, "attention, incoming wounded better get the band marching!" they stopped "better get our clothes on" "or what Truman says, better get our scrubs on and get those boys kissing girls."


End file.
